Every couple fights! Right? We hear this question almost every week. Our response to this is always a big “No”. Every couple disagrees. Absolutely. We are all individuals with our own thoughts and experiences. Disagreements will happen. And, disagreements can be talked about calmly and fairly and be sorted out in a way that is respectful and meaningful to both individuals.
Fights on the other hand are very different. Fights involve yelling, swearing, name-calling, accusations, blaming, put downs, etc. They can even escalate into intimidation, pushing and shoving, grabbing and shaking, breaking things throwing things, and even worse physical violence. Absolutely nothing gets resolved, nothing is loving or respectful, and now things are significantly worse. When this becomes our pattern of behavior when we disagree with our partner, we learn that, even though we don’t get anything sorted out, we do back the other person off, distract them with something else, and finally shut off all chance of having a conversation. And, we get good at it. We learn what names hurt the most, that blaming and accusations will always work to change the subject, and we learn how to reduce our partner to nothing. All because they wanted to talk about something that we didn’t want to. We often go off somewhere in a huff. Maybe that’s even why we created this fight-so we can leave angry, making her feel bad, so we can go do what we wanted to do in the first place, rather than stay home and be a meaningful part of the family we created. Or maybe we just don’t know how to resolve a disagreement in a good way and so we resort to finding a way to not even try. It’s possible too that we are not even aware of the impact that we leave behind after a fight. And it is this impact that is the most insidious aspect of emotional violence. When violence is physical, everyone involved is clear what it is and who just crossed the line. It is a dangerous and illegal act that causes great harm. Bodies heal eventually and the violator faces some significant consequences, and the victim of the assault usually receives appropriate assistance to deal with the harm caused, including the emotional impact it has caused. Emotional violence is very different in almost every aspect. The victim gets blamed for being verbally, emotionally, and psychologically assaulted. Not just by their partner either. Friends and family often get involved, taking sides, passing judgements and further violating the victim. There are few if any consequences to be faced by the violator and the victim often accepts the blame, so now has to also deal with the shame that is not theirs to carry. Their bodies don’t heal and they often don’t receive the appropriate assistance to deal with the harm caused. And harm has been caused. The person at the other end of it all is left reeling; feeling hurt, angry, and confused. They start to question themselves and over time, they start to believe that they are really what you keep telling them they are. They lose all sense of confidence, joy, and self-worth. You tell them you are sorry afterwards, but then you do it again, and again, and again. You tell them that you love them but the things you say and do are not loving at all. And you blame them for that. They become unhappy, maybe depressed, stop taking care of themselves, or angry all the time. They are often confused, sad, unable to make decisions for fear that they will make the wrong one, and go around feeling like they are walking on eggshells all the time. They may even begin self-harming behaviours. Cutting themselves, addictions, or eventually even completely give up and attempt suicide. This harm is not always recognized for what it is in the same way that physical harm is. People can’t see the deeps wounds caused by emotional abuse, but they are there, and they life-long. Stop the suffering. Tearmann Society for Abused Women and Pictou County Sexual Assault and Women’s Centre offer services to women and Pictou County Opportunity for Men-New Leaf Program offer group counselling for men who have abusive behaviours.
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Historically in Canadian culture, women and children were the property of men, and were not treated as ‘persons under the law’. In fact, the very first child abuse case here in Pictou County was tried in 1915 under SPCA laws because at that time, there were no laws in place to protect children. And it wasn’t until 1984 that laws came into effect that allowed for a husband to be prosecuted for sexually abusing his wife.
It’s true that women and children continue to be the most common victims of domestic violence. And yes, women can be abusive too. Domestic violence, in any form, inflicted by any gender is unacceptable. The history and current reality remains that the majority of domestic cases that go through the courts, including the cases that cause the most physical harm still, to this day, remain predominately cases where it is men’s violence against women. What I have learned in my experience as a counsellor at New Leaf is that doesn’t make it a women’s issue. Nor is it really just a men’s issue. Domestic violence is, and always has been a social issue. Despite the fact that we are all individuals, we all live in a society, and that society dictates what the norm is, what is tolerated and what is unacceptable. Each of us are governed and influenced by it. So what happens when society gives mixed messages? There are laws in place now to protect both women and children, such as the Pro-arrest law for domestic violence and the Child Welfare system put in place to protect children from abuse and neglect. So then how confusing is it when our lives are bombarded with video games and music videos full of sex and violence. When commercials and magazines promote their self-serving versions of what a real man looks, sounds, and acts like, and that women who get noticed are only concerned with looking and acting young and sexy, whatever the cost. Our 12 to 14 year old sons are finding easy access to violent, hard core pornography over the internet and, because they are so young, they come to believe that what they are seeing is normal and that is what real sex is. Many psychologists and noticing that more and more of their clients are young men who have developed pornography addictions and have become unable to develop and maintain healthy intimate relationships. On a smaller and more personal scale, how many times do males of all ages get the message, “Big boys don’t cry.” “Suck it up and be a man.” How many times do men get heckled when they try to talk to other males about feelings or relationships? Is it so surprising then, that women’s shelters still need to exist and that New Leaf’s doors need to remain open for years to come? Until it becomes a normal and natural occurrence that men seek out appropriate and helpful support and guidance around relationships, can learn to talk to other men on a deeper and more meaningful level, and become mentors for their family, friends and upcoming generations, domestic violence continues to remain a social issue. |
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